I was not built to break

I don't know why it takes me so long to finally get a blog out, when it's so obvious something inside me is dying to get it out. I haven't taken a day trip to the shores of Malibu to clear my thoughts, and I haven't kept up on these. NO WONDER I feel like I have gone a little crazy lately.


I don't need to repeat myself saying that music does something to me that nothing else on the entire planet can do. The day, the hour, the moment...all can be perfect as perfect gets with the right soundtrack. I was randomly listening to music I knew, and fell upon some songs I hadn't heard before. This one hit me after I had already picked a "Song Of The Day" for today...and for good reason. The SOTD I picked fit for St. Patrick's Day. Perfectly. This one, on the other hand, really isn't fitting for the day. It's fitting for my own words. My own thoughts. In some angles, this song doesn't fit. I don't get to the point where I feel like I am going to crumble and break. I believe I know my own strength...but everyone has their moments that they forget. I think without realizing is usually the way it happens. You are strong, doing your absolute best, and then *wham* you're down and out. How did it happen? DOESN'T MATTER! The only thing that DOES matter is that you know you can get back up. "I was not built to break." No one was. Every bad experience or hardship that comes into your life...you are able to overcome. You are able to beat it. Whatever it is. You are able to make yourself happy. I think there are a lot of people who don't realize their own happiness is being held by their own two hands. Yes..happiness comes in many different forms...careers, freedom, family, love, relationships, friendships, etc. All of it could be unreachable unless you are willing to let it happen to you, and embrace it. To work hard for the things you KNOW you want in your life. The things that will help make you and your life better. People don't know their own strength. You can do it. You can do darn near everything you want to. Within reason. And only sometimes within reason. 


Take me for example...
I wanted to work in the music industry, and decided so when I was about 17 or 18. I knew music was what fueled me...made me happy. Helped me be better, be happier, be the person inside I was meant to be. I KNEW I would achieve my goals career-wise, I just didn't know when or how. Didn't matter though. I just knew that is what I wanted to do. There were many, many, many detours and road blocks. Life, finances, growing up, love, relationships, jobs, the list goes on. Finally I got here. I actually decided to put myself first, and got here. Took a lot of hard thinking and believing in myself, but I did it. You can't achieve your own dreams if you don't believe you can in the first place. AND you have to be willing to take chances. Blind leaps of faith. Everything combined, what you want WILL happen. I also want to be the most amazing wife and mother to the best husband/father ever. I want to be with someone who fits me in all the ways I want & need. Who "completes me" (without sound cliche)...I do want all of that. I know that it will happen one day. Someone who really is that "one" for me...he's out there. Could be in my life right now, could be somewhere else waiting for me to show up. Again, doesn't really matter. I want it, and I will have it when I am supposed to. 


To trail off on a random side note - the whole love factor in my life is part of why I feel so crazy at times. I have already slightly covered this situation in a previous blog, but it has developed to such a level I didn't even imagine before. I can honestly say when I think about certain things with him, say...me falling in love with him, my heart actually has an extra feeling that I notice. I don't know if my mind & heart can allow themselves to fall for him, but they are sure trying. VERY scary. VERY interesting...how many similarities he has with the guy that shattered my heart completely. I read a quote the other day though *If you have closed your heart because it has been crushed, don't be afraid to open it again, it could be different this time* This is a great reminder. I have actually realized how many issues I had still open because I was hanging on to the guy who broke me and kept me in his life when he could...I was a convenience. Even with him telling me I was not, I was blind to it until someone cared enough to point it out. Actually...that's a lie. People probably pointed it out. I ignored it. It took this one special person to really make it click though. I am so glad to have the ex out of my life for good now. I thought there was something possible there, and seeing the light shows me there is not. Not now. Not ever. AND even though the one who showed me the light as a lot of creepy similarities, it doesn't mean they are the same person. The fact that I have grown and done some serious soul/mind searching the past month and a half really says something about me. I am not willing to let this one go. I want to do whatever I can to make it work, for whatever reason. I don't even know what "making it work" means beyond just allowing us to be happy with each other however we can be. I am learning I can be in a relationship (of sorts) with someone, and not need to have that happy ending light leading me. I can enjoy the moment, the time and know that if it goes for the long haul, great. If not, no point in NOT being happy with someone just cuz it might end instead of last forever. You never know what the future holds so take life as it comes. 




"I Didn't Know My Own Strength"

Lost touch with my soul
I had nowhere to turn, I had nowhere to go
Lost sight of my dream
Thought it would be the end of me

I thought I'd never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to
I, I thought I would break

I didn't know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn't know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour, my faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up, hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn't know my own strength

Found hope in my heart
I found the light to life my way out of the dark
Found all that I need here inside of me

I thought I'd never find my way
I thought I'd never lift that weight
I thought I would break

I didn't know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn't know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour, my faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up, hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn't know my own strength

There were so many times I wondered
How I'd get through the night
I thought I took all that I could take

I didn't know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn't know my own strength

My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up, I hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn't know my own strength

I was not built to break, no, no
I got to know my own strength