Feeling quite awesome...and a bit delirious.

I feel really delirious writing this but I think a big part of my "weird" sick feeling I have been having is due to stress...and blogging always de-stresses me. So I am trying whatever I can. If I don't get better soon, off to the doctor I will go and see what's going on. I'm just gonna try and just get rid of it myself. :) Again...I am a bit off tonight so I could be making zero sense. Either way...here goes.

I definitely can tell what's going to happen in my life. I get vibes and intuitions and "gut feelings" and 9 times outta 10...I am right on. That's how I know I am right about my feelings on the job I am going to get soon. I don't know what the job is but I know it's the one I am supposed to get. It will be exactly the one I am ready for. I really am amazed that I can trust my intuition on some things, and ignore them on others. The gut feeling I ignored   recently I was supposed to ignore. I was supposed to trust something, someone, again. I don't know why, but eventually that reason will appear. It was great while it lasted, it was fun, I was able to open my eyes to a lot of issues I have in the emotional department. The mental department even. I have been lucky enough to have my trust and heart broken so badly, that even though I thought I was healed and ready, I, in fact, was not. Not even close. There is still quite a bit of growing and learning I have to do. There are still things I am supposed to experience before that wonderful love I am destined comes into my life. I am fine with that. I really am. I have to remember that...but still take chances. I can't lock myself up behind walls and not allow anyone in. I have to stay open, happy and free, ready for whatever comes into my life. For whoever comes into my life. I can, however, control the level I keep the things that come into my life. I can choose to allow something to develop or I can keep it as simple and basic as it can be. I am not the type of girl to go on dates. I haven't been on many in my entire life (even though I was effin engaged) and I just find them sort of uncomfortable. Maybe it's going on a date with someone I don't really know. I don't know. Just seems more awkward than anything else. I'm not a random hook-up-er, and I can't see more than one person at a time. So the possibility of me actually getting into something that will trigger my emotions is pretty low. I just want to have friends. Just be friends with people. With guys. Everything is SO much easier as friends. I have enough going on in my life...anything added to it can be easy. Within the next couple of months, I am going to be busy busy busy, working lots and making good money. I have a way of life envisioned for myself, and it does not involve being in any sort of relationship with anyone. It's me. Just me. Working hard, achieving my dreams. Me being happy. Me being healthy. Me being ME. I see myself being at the company I want to work for, making great decisions, being awesome at my job and going up on the success ladder. I can see my passion and motivation for the business showing through and getting more responsibilities learning so much and just being oh-so-awesome at my job. Gosh. The way I can see in my mind (even on a non-delirious night) is just so rad., I am so excited for it to happen. Whoo!

I have so much support from my family and friends. I have support from friends I don't talk to or see often. I don't even see a lot of my friends down here! I can tell I have been going through some stuff the past couple months because I haven't really socialized. Had a serious good time. I am definitely ready to get back out and have some fun. It's time for the fun Phaedra to come back out. 

All in all...I am happy and glad 2010 has gone the way it has. Every part of it. I am still optimistic about everything in my life. Career, happiness, love, money. All of it. I can feel the growth and can tell the things I learned so far are more valuable than I even realize. I have a few sad moments because a person who was in my life isn't anymore. I will miss that person a lot. Maybe one day it can be different, but for growing and moving on purposes, it's just gotta be this way I guess. I have my fingers crossed that one day we will be cool again. I wish things were normal and cool right now, but life's a two-way street. 

I already feel better...I really think the ill feelings are from stress. Hopefully that's all. There's other possible factors, but I like the stress one the best. That means I can make myself feel better. 

Alrighty who knows if this blog even makes sense, but it helped me. Definitely time to go to sleep. Got a nice snooze in this evening and now onto to a better tomorrow! 

I was not built to break

I don't know why it takes me so long to finally get a blog out, when it's so obvious something inside me is dying to get it out. I haven't taken a day trip to the shores of Malibu to clear my thoughts, and I haven't kept up on these. NO WONDER I feel like I have gone a little crazy lately.


I don't need to repeat myself saying that music does something to me that nothing else on the entire planet can do. The day, the hour, the moment...all can be perfect as perfect gets with the right soundtrack. I was randomly listening to music I knew, and fell upon some songs I hadn't heard before. This one hit me after I had already picked a "Song Of The Day" for today...and for good reason. The SOTD I picked fit for St. Patrick's Day. Perfectly. This one, on the other hand, really isn't fitting for the day. It's fitting for my own words. My own thoughts. In some angles, this song doesn't fit. I don't get to the point where I feel like I am going to crumble and break. I believe I know my own strength...but everyone has their moments that they forget. I think without realizing is usually the way it happens. You are strong, doing your absolute best, and then *wham* you're down and out. How did it happen? DOESN'T MATTER! The only thing that DOES matter is that you know you can get back up. "I was not built to break." No one was. Every bad experience or hardship that comes into your life...you are able to overcome. You are able to beat it. Whatever it is. You are able to make yourself happy. I think there are a lot of people who don't realize their own happiness is being held by their own two hands. Yes..happiness comes in many different forms...careers, freedom, family, love, relationships, friendships, etc. All of it could be unreachable unless you are willing to let it happen to you, and embrace it. To work hard for the things you KNOW you want in your life. The things that will help make you and your life better. People don't know their own strength. You can do it. You can do darn near everything you want to. Within reason. And only sometimes within reason. 


Take me for example...
I wanted to work in the music industry, and decided so when I was about 17 or 18. I knew music was what fueled me...made me happy. Helped me be better, be happier, be the person inside I was meant to be. I KNEW I would achieve my goals career-wise, I just didn't know when or how. Didn't matter though. I just knew that is what I wanted to do. There were many, many, many detours and road blocks. Life, finances, growing up, love, relationships, jobs, the list goes on. Finally I got here. I actually decided to put myself first, and got here. Took a lot of hard thinking and believing in myself, but I did it. You can't achieve your own dreams if you don't believe you can in the first place. AND you have to be willing to take chances. Blind leaps of faith. Everything combined, what you want WILL happen. I also want to be the most amazing wife and mother to the best husband/father ever. I want to be with someone who fits me in all the ways I want & need. Who "completes me" (without sound cliche)...I do want all of that. I know that it will happen one day. Someone who really is that "one" for me...he's out there. Could be in my life right now, could be somewhere else waiting for me to show up. Again, doesn't really matter. I want it, and I will have it when I am supposed to. 


To trail off on a random side note - the whole love factor in my life is part of why I feel so crazy at times. I have already slightly covered this situation in a previous blog, but it has developed to such a level I didn't even imagine before. I can honestly say when I think about certain things with him, say...me falling in love with him, my heart actually has an extra feeling that I notice. I don't know if my mind & heart can allow themselves to fall for him, but they are sure trying. VERY scary. VERY interesting...how many similarities he has with the guy that shattered my heart completely. I read a quote the other day though *If you have closed your heart because it has been crushed, don't be afraid to open it again, it could be different this time* This is a great reminder. I have actually realized how many issues I had still open because I was hanging on to the guy who broke me and kept me in his life when he could...I was a convenience. Even with him telling me I was not, I was blind to it until someone cared enough to point it out. Actually...that's a lie. People probably pointed it out. I ignored it. It took this one special person to really make it click though. I am so glad to have the ex out of my life for good now. I thought there was something possible there, and seeing the light shows me there is not. Not now. Not ever. AND even though the one who showed me the light as a lot of creepy similarities, it doesn't mean they are the same person. The fact that I have grown and done some serious soul/mind searching the past month and a half really says something about me. I am not willing to let this one go. I want to do whatever I can to make it work, for whatever reason. I don't even know what "making it work" means beyond just allowing us to be happy with each other however we can be. I am learning I can be in a relationship (of sorts) with someone, and not need to have that happy ending light leading me. I can enjoy the moment, the time and know that if it goes for the long haul, great. If not, no point in NOT being happy with someone just cuz it might end instead of last forever. You never know what the future holds so take life as it comes. 




"I Didn't Know My Own Strength"

Lost touch with my soul
I had nowhere to turn, I had nowhere to go
Lost sight of my dream
Thought it would be the end of me

I thought I'd never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to
I, I thought I would break

I didn't know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn't know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour, my faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up, hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn't know my own strength

Found hope in my heart
I found the light to life my way out of the dark
Found all that I need here inside of me

I thought I'd never find my way
I thought I'd never lift that weight
I thought I would break

I didn't know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn't know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour, my faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up, hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn't know my own strength

There were so many times I wondered
How I'd get through the night
I thought I took all that I could take

I didn't know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn't know my own strength

My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up, I hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn't know my own strength

I was not built to break, no, no
I got to know my own strength 

Where I am, What I am doing and all that....

SO It has come to my attention that there are still a lot of people who don't really know what's going on with me. Why I live in LA now....what brought me here..etc etc etc...
If you have been referred to this blog...don't be offended...I just can't repeat my story every time someone asks....I am sorry.

When I was in high school I decided I wanted to work with musicians and artists...promoting their talent and getting the music out for the public to hear and appreciate. Music is what fuels me...I love it. I love it without being able to play an instrument...being able to believe in the lyrics and music is enough to want to pursue a career in the music industry.
Once I decided that....life took me in many different directions and threw roadblocks in the way that I had to overcome and finally...9ish years later...I am here. I had thrown my career dreams out the window duie to being in a relationship with someone and that ending...I was able to grasp onto my dreams again and seriously pursue them. Once I was back n the career train...things started happening for me.
I came down to LA in June to help out with an event and meet some people in the industry...get my feelers out for the connections I need to have down here. I was able to check out neighborhoods and areas that I can afford and feel safe to live...Everything went so wonderful, I made some new friends and had a great time! Getting back to Spokane, I knew I had to get down here soon! I saw quite a few job postings on craigslist and got great feedback, but the employers were not interested in interviewing me further due to the fact that I lived in Idaho still. I told them I was preparing a move to the LA area...but they still decided to pass me up. I realized all the great jobs that were going to come into play for me were going to get me no where unless I lived there already. So what do I do...i look for apartments and places to live in LA and get on the ball for research...I NEEDED TO GET TO MOVE! I found a place online, contacted the landlord...it was a great match. The room was furnished and in a decently safe neighborhood and wasn't that expensive either. It was so perfect! Unfortuntately, the room needed to be filled asap and I couldn't move then. I stayed in contact with the landlord and figured out that Labor Day weekend a room would be ready for me and I could be a roommate. WELL the room ended up being available earlier than that by random chance and I lost it again! So bummed, already planned on moving down here at the end of summer. It was time to just get here. Without a job in the biz, I could find a job doing whatever to pay the bills until that music industry job came up. THANKFULLY it was meant to be that I live in this house I am in, because surprise suprise a room opened up and I got into the house I wanted!! Great price, great house, great roomies! It's awesome!
So I put in my notice at work, planned my road trip down and got here on Sept. 11th.

Since I have been here...I have been working as an intern at a music promotional company that is amazing and I am so grateful to help them. I get to learn things that I may not learn once I start at a label...and the experience is valuable...just like a paycheck almost. I have applied at many different places, sent in resumes to quite a few offices online...and have had not much luck getting a job. Soon, soon enough, I will have that job that gets me a paycheck and pays my bills. I can't wait to get that paycheck! I have a couple great leads for part time work until the label job comes up, and I think, depending on how I work it, I could work at Victoria's Secret...that would be so awesome! I would want that job forever though! That would be so frickin cool! AH!

So anyways...I have tried to be an extra in movies and tv down here...it's not as easy as it is in Spokane. So I decided to put more energy into finding a real job then trying to be an extra and make $60 a day.

I think that is a good enough update for those who have missed what's been going on.
If not...well...stay tuned. There will be more updates as time goes on.

Like the waves of the ocean

I sit on a section of rocks next to the ocean. The only clear sky in sight is a line at the edge of the ocean, as if the clouds are dozy eyelids drooping to close for some rest. The water is magnificently gorgeous, even without the sun blazing a reflection off it. The waves are echoing all around me or there is thunder trying to interrupt this serenity. Water trying to reach the tips of my toes doesn’t get close enough…even with the big waves pushing them harder each time. They remind me of the chaotic temperament my emotions have been having. Huge overwhelming uncontrollable waves all the way to soft, relaxed water almost rolling over the sand. In a matter of a few short seconds, the water repeats itself. So similar to my day to day chase of my dreams. Part of the sky is turning orange, the other still blueish grey. The calms waters last longer than the chaos but they chaos continues to show up. The beauty and peace of it all together really balances out and the calm waters always prevail. I must not forget that. If I ask, I shall receive. If I am strong and don’t give up those dreams I long to catch will one day be tight in my hands. No one gets to the top without trying. No one has a success story about floating through life with no pain or hardship or struggles.
Its day 15. Two weeks. It’s been half a month since I have played with my niece, It’s been 18 days since I have had a paycheck. I have had an even amount of bad days and good days. The bad days seem to be more frequent than I am used to, and more intense. It’s really an odd feeling. Me, being the annoyingly positive person I normally am, can’t fully grasp how the low times feel so low. I can try to talk myself out of them, and it has worked a handful of times. Not regularly enough for me. I KNOW I am going to get a job soon, and I KNOW I am going to get a job with a record label soon. I could end up with a job for a few months that isn’t in my career field, or I could end up getting a job with the label soon too. I don’t know what going to happen. I DO know that I need to be here. There is only trying and fighting and believing in what I can do. Not dwelling on what hasn’t happened yet. When I am working, I am happy. I thrive on being busy and having things that need to get done. I am used to having a list of things to do today, and things to follow up on. Why is it so hard to transition that from my job to what I have to do to get a job? I know me being homesick and without my normal surroundings makes it more difficult. I have GREAT roommates and the bestest friend down here anyone could have. These friends are amazing and I am so grateful to have them in my life right now.
The job I want is coming. The income I need is going to be here really soon too. I can feel that. MY credit and bills – they are getting paid soon. The good stuff has been happening more often and they have been surprisingly great great great things so the best is yet to come, the track is clear and open and the positive vibes are crashing through it like the waves.

It is time to head home, enjoy the slow traffic and be happy I am where I am. Enjoy a few drinks and good times with roommates and new friends.

My half update.

Well, I have had quite a few interesting things happen to me lately. Hung out with a few bands...had some interesting conversations and experiences with some too.

My job is amazing! I absolutely love it. I work with wonderful people and have a good day every day it seems. I meet new people every day and make great contacts all the time. Moving to Spokane was a little nerve-racking at first, but now that I have been over here for so long, I am getting a good feel of the town. I need to head out north a little more often and go to the gym. I really am wasting money on something I SHOULD be doing everyday. Oh well. Hopefully I can get into a mode that I can work out. At least running a mile or two a day would help, I know. I just have such a crazy schedule...it is hard. Hopefully I get a promotion so I can calm down a bit, get a routine going of working, working out, making dinner, sleeping. Enjoying myself maybe a bit. Going to eat at different places around Spokane, going to a movie or something going on locally. Absorb my surroundings a little.
I guess the reason for me really wanting to do this now is because I helped out with this t.v. show at my work. It was only a recorded run-through so it wasn't that important. I barely talked, and really had no opinion on things. I really need to experience life a little more. It really opened my eyes to how busy I am, how I never really do anything, I still don't have enough money to do anything. I wish I could go and sit somewhere and journal or something. Ah...I am really getting off subject here. I am going to have to blog two tonight, since this is just a briefing on my life right now. Not the events that have happened recently.

Ok so where was I? Oh yeah...work and my life. This is pretty much what I do as of right now.

Work at the station, sometimes have Sundays off from there. If so, clean my brother and S.I.L.'s house. Work at the deli one day a week. Baby-sit for people sometimes too. If the station isn't busy.

I'm trying to get promoted at the station, and if that happens, I should be able to get back on track. Money-wise. Might be able to get a laptop or something. We'll see. Well, I guess I should go to bed. I have an awfully long day tomorrow. I have had to work till at least 1:45 am the past 3 nights, so I am a little out of wack to be working at 6:45 am. Ugh. Oh well. It will pay off soon enough. I just know it. *fingers crossed*

My first time.

I can't say this is really my first time blogging, but since myspace is everywhere...going to a bit quieter of a place is almost more comfortable for this. I always see on t.v. or movies people blogging, journaling, something of the sort online. I had never been a site like this before. I myspace as much as the next person, so I know the value of typing my opinions and feelings and thoughts and whatever I want. I am a little excited for this! Ok well who knows how often I will get on this thing, but at least I know I have it. :)